my life in change
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THE WANTER

3/30/2015

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I’ve been thinking about the Wanter lately.  It’s something we talk about a lot during what I now refer to as my Monday morning cabal.  I always wanted to be a member of a cabal.  As a kid, my cousin and I played private eye and we used to take the cards that fell out of magazines and fill them out with made-up names and lives to file away like dossiers on people we were investigating.  I grew up to write thrillers.  So yeah, a cabal is right up my alley.  And it sounds a hell of a lot sexier than a support group or a coffee klatch.  

The Wanter is a term my neighbor refers to often during our cabal.  He’s not sure if he read it somewhere or came up with it himself but over time I can see that he’s made it his own.  His basic premise is this:  unless you engage your Wanter, whatever changes you are trying to make will not happen.

I’ve never really been too sure what the Wanter refers to but once I found Sonia Simone’s piece on change, it started to make more sense.  If it’s true that people like myself, those artistic types who rely on whimsy and inspiration, work on the premise posted by Simone, “what do I want out of this,” then the Wanter becomes a real force.  Here lies motivation.  Hedonist that I am, change is more likely to occur if I engage my Wanter.

There is obviously a difference between wanting something, as in I-want-to-lose-weight, and the Wanter, and Simone’s what-do-I-want-out-of-this?  I want to lose weight is a goal that requires changes in behavior that I apparently won’t actually do until I connect the behavior to my Wanter.  I assume answering the question, “what do I want out of this?” will help make that connection.  My neighbor has a similar exercise, which I still don’t quite understand, but that seems to require “honest inquiry” to suss out my “real desire.”  Both he and Simone intimate that it’s a kind of “I’ll know it when I see it” thing.  The answer will just feel right.

So far, I’ve talked about it.  I’ve journaled about it.  I’ve slept on it.  I’ve made an “honest inquiry” about my “real desire.”  But I’m afraid I’ve got nothing.  And I’ve gained 2 pounds.

Finding out what I really, really want appears to be harder than it looks.

H’oh boy.

This is my year of change.  I hope you join me.

Please feel free to comment below.


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COUNTING SHEEP

3/22/2015

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In her article, “The Complete Flake’s Guide to Getting Things Done,” posted on the Remarkable Communication website, Sonia Simone writes that in order to get something done--complete a goal, finish a project--you first have to know what it is you want to get out of it.  I believe this is about finding proper motivation.  We're on step one of seven, folks.

I understand that I am a hedonist.  And, as Simone points out, I am very good at doing something I want to do.  So how do I connect my goals, which require long-term discipline, with an immediate reward?  How do I change all those “have-tos” into “want-tos?”

Interestingly enough, Joey Klein encourages us to do something similar--through meditation, attach a positive emotion to healthy behavior you want to repeat.  Simone suggests a flakier approach:  Take a pen and paper and write down the answer to the question, “What do I want out of this thing?”  She would have me keep writing, being careful not to “adopt someone else’s formula,” and answer the question in a way that feels real to me.  If Simone is right and my super power as a flake is that I am very good at doing what I feel like doing, answering the question should plug into some very strong motivation.

While Simone’s methods seem less about a lifestyle change and more appropriate for “getting things done”--it’s right there in the title, folks--I’m game.  Looking back at my New Year’s resolution to get healthy and sell a book, I can’t say I’ve made much progress.  Dry January did not lead to Fit February or Moderate March, words I ambitiously doodled as possible post titles.  Still, I do feel that, well, I’m sorta, kinda learning some important stuff.  The bubble in the lava lamp isn’t exactly rising to the top but it’s getting bigger there at the murky bottom.  I just need to apply more heat.

So, what do I want to get out of losing weight?  It’s as good a place as any to start and something I’ve done more times than most--here, I’ll refer back to my Renee Zellweger comparison, my Bridget Jones/Chicago weight swings.  I probably could teach a course on weight loss having done the crazy diets, the sensible diets--the Nutrisystems, the Weight Watchers, the South Beaches, the cleanses, the personal trainer with the heart of gold and the workout ethic of a masochist.  I know how to lose weight.  Keeping it off?  Not so much.

When I ask myself what do I want to get out of weight loss, the usual suspects come to mind about looking fabulous in my fifties or feeling good about myself again because I faintly resemble those women on the magazines--we’re talking the cover of MORE not Vogue, here, so everyone relax.  And frankly, those bitches are a little too hot, making even the act of aging an Olympic event.  Really?  I’m supposed to look like Julianne Moore in my fifties?  Really?  But if I’m to understand Simone’s exercise, what I need to uncover is motivation powerful enough to actually get me to want to eat less and exercise more, two things that don’t seem to be a part of my DNA.

I spent a good hour discussing my “want” with my therapist--who did help me come up with a great reward system for working on my book but who warned that long-term changes like abstaining from alcohol or losing weight can be a good deal tricker for someone with my personality type.  I also spent time sweating over the free weights with my trainer who tried to sell the “endorphins” angle, how exercise gives a mood boost--if only I were willing to actually do an hour of cardio.  

My trainer did get me to agree to leave my “den of sin,” her name for my house, three times a day and walk to the gym, which happens to be a mere two blocks from my home.  Once there, I am to attempt 10 minutes of cardio.  Her thinking is that I have lost touch with the usual motivators--the compliments on weight loss and the desired health benefits--because I am instead holed up in my “den of sin” with my vino and my Real Housewives.  No one is reaching out from that television set to encourage me to eat right and burn 500 calories a day (Although I find the Real Housewives of New York very motivating--bitches look good!).

I tried to get my husband involved, hoping that together we could come up with a reward system that would motivate the both of us.  But his blank stare over his Chinese chicken salad said, “I got nothin’.”

Thus far, everything I’ve come up with seems like I’m “adopting someone else’s formula.”  Nothing “feels real” to me, although my discussions with my therapist, trainer, and husband have me feeling a little motivated.  But I know I’m not there.  Celery and the elliptical are not calling to me.  I haven’t even come close to finding a “want” here.  So I’m going to employ another one of Simone’s methods:  I’m gonna sleep on it.  Ask my unconscious to grapple with my motives over weight loss and see what churns up.

This is my year of change.  I hope you join me.

Please feel free to comment below.


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FROM HERE TO ETERNITY

3/13/2015

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I have discovered a new KISS method (Keep It Simple Stupid) to achieving personal change.  Whenever I am faced with a challenging situation or a choice that will affect my goals, I ask myself, “Where do I want to be?  Where am I now?  What can I do in the next 20 minutes to get myself closer to where I want to be?”

I found this method reading, “The Complete Flake’s Guide To Getting Things Done,” by Sonia Simone, posted on the Remarkable Communication website.  In her piece, Ms. Simone addresses the needs of people who are creative and smart, funny and charming, people who care more about experiences than about stuff.  Simone’s flakes talk a good game but have trouble getting results.  They have plenty of desire but need to learn how to get things done.  Basically, Simone is describing me. 

Simone sets out 7 reasonably painless steps.  
To paraphrase:  1) figure out what you want to get out of the task, 2) notice the difference between where you are and where you want to be, 3) choose a next step toward your goal, preferable something you can do in 20 minutes, 4) focus on actions that you really, really want to do, 5) repeat steps 1 through 4 until it feels right, 6) harness your unconscious and keep track of its insights, 7) keep it to 3 to 4 areas of change.  She refers readers to Robert Fritz’s “Pivotal Technique,” from his book, Path of Least Resistance and David Allen’s book, Getting Things Done, both of which I plan to read.  I found her short and easy-to-read article to be a gold mine of information, but my basic take-away is this:  Know what I want and why I want it and realize how far I am from what I want, then do something in the next 20 minutes that gets me closer to what I want.  Easy peasy.  

Simone calls upon what she refers to as the flake’s superpower--we are very good at doing what we feel like doing.  I am a confessed hedonist so if someone says I can use that as a superpower to achieve my goals I am so in.  Her mental exercises involve things like asking your unconscious to let you know what it is you don’t like about a particular action, then find a way to get around it.  Unlike mindfulness and meditation, this approach does not intimidate me--I don’t feel overwhelmed.  Not in the least.  The fact is, Simone is speaking my language.

After studying her take on how to get results, I’ve been using a kind of shorthand.  I ask myself the following, “Where do I want to be?  Where am I now?  What can I do in the next 20 minutes to get closer to my goal?”  So when I sit down to lunch with a friend, instead of hitting what I refer to as my “fuck-it button” and ordering those yummy Hawaiian spare ribs, I ask myself, “Hey, you want to lose weight because your goal is to look better and feel better.  You’re going to forget the taste of those spare ribs pretty damn fast--in fact you already know exactly what they taste like because you’ve had them before--so choose the chicken salad with the dressing on the side.  That’s a decision that gets you closer to fit and fabulous.”

I plan in the weeks ahead to delve more deeply into Simone’s 7 steps, one step at a time.  But in the meantime, those questions I ask myself have already started to make a difference.  And more importantly, they feel right ... which means there’s actually a chance I will follow through.

This is my year of change.  I hope you join me.

Please feel free to comment below.


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MARCH MADNESS

3/11/2015

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It might seem as if I am circling the drain here, but I actually believe I am on to something.  

Whenever I read tips on how to achieve personal change--like the ones I listed previously for getting back on track with my New Year’s resolution--it feels as if I need to change fundamentally as a person first in order to follow said tips and, well, change. 

Where are the articles listing how artistic types with short attention spans and big dreams achieve change?  Because I’m pretty sure any chart I write up or reasonable goals I set or accountability buddies I court might have the lifespan predicted for those New Year’s resolutions--dead in 30 days or less.  

Confession:  I’m shocked I’ve managed to keep this blog going.  And no promises that it will be around in December.  

So how do flaky people achieve change?

Again, I give it a goog and Yatze!  And thank you in advance for allowing me to indulge in some cross-generational slang.

I don’t really know how I missed this.  I’m a writer and, as in real estate where they taut the mantra, “location, location, location,” my profession lives by the motto, “character, character, character.”  Here's a crazy insight.  The change I am trying to achieve is not so much to refashion who I am fundamentally as a person.  I will not in a day, a year, or a lifetime, transform into my beloved engineer hubby, who navigates his world of charts and accountability with a finesse I envy.  To reinvent myself is surely a task that falls squarely in that “False Hope Syndrome” category.  The trick then becomes to find a way to use traits inherent in my character to help me achieve my goals. 

The good news, folks, is that there are actually people who recognize that creative, smart types with a lot of passion--but not so much follow-through--want to achieve personal change, and reading their approaches is kinda blowing my mind.  

Clearly, there is no “one size fits all” solution to achieving personal change--note the word “personal” in that statement.  Thus far, I believe I have been a poor advocate for approaches that have inspired many to change because I have a kind of square-peg-round-hole thing going on.  So rather than reading about “charts” and “mindfulness,” I am now learning about “getting real” and “what feels right,” words that sound as deliciously flaky as a croissant warm from the oven.  And I’m excited.  Salivating, even.

This is my year of change.  I hope you join me.

Please feel free to comment below.


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    OLGA BICOS
    Author and Dog Lover

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