Dear readers, there seems to be some blow back from my last two posts. Apparently, Skinny Bitch 1 and Skinny Bitch 2 feel that they were misrepresented. They want a redo.
Also, this call from my daughter, who lives in New York.
Daughter: OMG, Mom! You’re not bathing?
Me: Oh, come on. It was an exaggeration. I was trying to be funny--
Daughter: Mom, you are not French and you live in America. America!
Me: Well, technically, I live in North America, because, as you know there is a South America and Central--
Daughter: You know what happens to old people who don’t bathe? They become smelly old people! I am not taking care of a smelly old person. You lock that shit down!
Me: Actually, I’m 55, so, not really thinking you’re taking care of me real soon--
Daughter: Lock that shit down, mother! I gotta go. I’m filming. Lock it down!
I am very proud of my children. So I am just gonna say that my daughter is beautiful, extremely smart and talented, and super driven. New York is the cog to her wheel. And since I picked on the French on my last post, I will refrain from saying anything about New Yorkers being mean.
Here are the redos.
Skinny Bitch No. 1
It’s not that I need a redo. This is more of a clarification. I mean, I don’t want to give the impression that it’s easy to be this hot--I am the “template for the marvel comic book heroine,” after all. Her words. And while there are some exaggerations for the sake of comedy on the prior post, she’s dead on about the fact that I am super hot. That’s for real. So I don’t want to confuse people into thinking it’s not hard work to look like me. It’s a lot of work. I exercise like a fiend and I eat very little. But I have my splurge days! That’s what I wanted to clarify (Shadow here. Please understand that my friend would never say any of these things about herself. She talked about the usual crap, drink lots of water, exercise, eat right, blah, blah, blah. But I read between the lines and was forced to do some subtle editing. Very subtle.)
Like the other day. I started with my usual. I prepared my 6 liters of water--two liters with fizzy tabs--and took my SeroVital tablet (Shadow again. What is in that shit and why isn’t it piped into the water supply like fluoride?). I picked up my venti chia tea latte, no foam, 8 pumps of chai, soy milk and I ate six egg whites for lunch, preparing for what I knew was a splurge day later because I’d asked one of my slacker client to go to Disneyland (That would be me, the Shadow). Honestly, this client can be a real pain in the ass to train--whenever I talk to her about water intake and the importance of protein and cardio, I swear she just hears, “Blah, blah, blah.” But she can be fun outside of the gym and has a Disney pass. And this is my way to slip in some cardio into the poor woman’s life. I keep it at a brisk pace walking between rides.
The point is, I want people to understand that I don’t live a weird life of deprivation. I love to eat! Like at Disneyland, where that lazy client and I split a bottle of wine and appetizers in Napa at California Adventure (The Shadow notes that she ate most of the food. Just saying), and I wanted to order an ice cream but, imagine my surprise when my client actually said she was on a diet! Diet? Wow. I’ve been trying to get that bitch to eat right for five years and the night I want to splurge she’s on a diet? Whatever. I ordered my ice cream, a large soft swirl dipped in chocolate (Despite the diet, the Shadow ate most of that, too). And later, exiting the park, I even bought another large ice cream cone! (Probably because the Shadow ate most of the first one ... and yes, finished off the second. I have come to realize my trainer is a bit of feeder. It’s the German in her). I ate so much, I woke up in the middle of the night with an ice cream stomach ache! (The Shadow did not have a stomach ache. Apparently, like the participants in the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest, the Shadow has built up a tolerance).
So maybe I overdid it a bit. That’s okay. That’s the point I’m trying to make here. Life doesn’t have to be so buttoned down. Just drink your water and eat protein and do your cardio, even on splurge days--that’s the Skinny Bitch way!
Skinny Bitch No. 2.
Sunday is my straight tequila day. I have my coffee, which is super fattening because I put cream in it and top it off with whipped cream (Shadow here. That’s less than 100 calories for breakfast. On a Sunday. I mean, where’s the bacon?) At noon I take my first shot of tequila, put on super tight jeans, high heels and a tank top. I saddle up on my husband’s Harley and we go to our local biker bar (Shadow again. Let it be known that I do not have boring friends).
This weekend was special because my favorite band was playing. It’s always baking hot, and I take another shot of tequila before I go in. I get another shot at the bar and start dancing. I plan to dance for the next seven hours. I am going to dance and I am going to drink tequila because this is my splurge day. Because I love this band so much and because I’m pretty buzzy, I go right up to the front of the stage and start dancing and singing along with the lead singer. It’s early so there’s not a lot of people on the dance floor, but I don’t care. I’m having a fabulous time. But then this really cute older woman comes up and whispers in my ear, “Could you pick another one?” When I turn to her, confused, she says, “Just pick another one. Because that’s my best friend’s husband. Could you pick him?” She points to the guitar player.
Well, I am mortified! I do my own pointing--to the big-ass diamond on my wedding finger and explain that I am happily married and I don’t need to pick anyone. I also point to my super hot husband who bought the big-ass diamond (Shadow confirms that her husband is super hot, and that indeed, she wears a blindingly large diamond on that Skinny Bitch finger). My darling hubby looks up long enough from his iPhone to wave back and snap a pic. But I don’t want to cause trouble, so I leave the dance floor.
You can’t imagine what happened next! Five minutes later, this same cute older woman comes over to where I am sitting and says, “I’m sorry, but could you go back to dancing? The lead singer is really mad at me now because, well, it’s pretty dead out there without you.” (The Shadow understands that bands do not appreciate it when super hot women stop dancing to their music). “I never should have said anything but it’s just that you’re so hot, I was worried for my friend.” (The Shadow reiterates that she has extremely attractive friends.)
Well, after the cute older woman and I had our little bonding moment, we ended up dancing together! Can you imagine? And okay, she made a bit of a move on me, but, again, I pointed to the big-ass diamond. (The Shadow made that last part up).
I dance so much that I forget to eat. I’m not even hungry. So my friends force me to eat. I end up gorging myself on onion rings (The Shadow understands this means she ate 4 onion rings. Skinny Bitch confirms the number but says that they were 4 really large onion rings).
I toss back one more shot of tequila, close down the bar, put on my leathers and ride on home into the sunset with my husband, the hot one who bought me the big-ass diamond.
Tequila and onion rings! Woohoo!
So, dear reader, it all appears to be a matter of perspective. If I analyze the amount of calories consumed and expended, I fear that our Skinny Bitches Day Off is actually not all that different from the days spent toiling to keep hot bodies, well, hot. The splurge becomes the choices made on those special days of indulgence that allow the forbidden fruit of ice cream and onion rings. But the point remains: it ain’t easy being a Skinny Bitch.
This is my year of change. I hope you join me.
Please feel free to comment below.
Also, this call from my daughter, who lives in New York.
Daughter: OMG, Mom! You’re not bathing?
Me: Oh, come on. It was an exaggeration. I was trying to be funny--
Daughter: Mom, you are not French and you live in America. America!
Me: Well, technically, I live in North America, because, as you know there is a South America and Central--
Daughter: You know what happens to old people who don’t bathe? They become smelly old people! I am not taking care of a smelly old person. You lock that shit down!
Me: Actually, I’m 55, so, not really thinking you’re taking care of me real soon--
Daughter: Lock that shit down, mother! I gotta go. I’m filming. Lock it down!
I am very proud of my children. So I am just gonna say that my daughter is beautiful, extremely smart and talented, and super driven. New York is the cog to her wheel. And since I picked on the French on my last post, I will refrain from saying anything about New Yorkers being mean.
Here are the redos.
Skinny Bitch No. 1
It’s not that I need a redo. This is more of a clarification. I mean, I don’t want to give the impression that it’s easy to be this hot--I am the “template for the marvel comic book heroine,” after all. Her words. And while there are some exaggerations for the sake of comedy on the prior post, she’s dead on about the fact that I am super hot. That’s for real. So I don’t want to confuse people into thinking it’s not hard work to look like me. It’s a lot of work. I exercise like a fiend and I eat very little. But I have my splurge days! That’s what I wanted to clarify (Shadow here. Please understand that my friend would never say any of these things about herself. She talked about the usual crap, drink lots of water, exercise, eat right, blah, blah, blah. But I read between the lines and was forced to do some subtle editing. Very subtle.)
Like the other day. I started with my usual. I prepared my 6 liters of water--two liters with fizzy tabs--and took my SeroVital tablet (Shadow again. What is in that shit and why isn’t it piped into the water supply like fluoride?). I picked up my venti chia tea latte, no foam, 8 pumps of chai, soy milk and I ate six egg whites for lunch, preparing for what I knew was a splurge day later because I’d asked one of my slacker client to go to Disneyland (That would be me, the Shadow). Honestly, this client can be a real pain in the ass to train--whenever I talk to her about water intake and the importance of protein and cardio, I swear she just hears, “Blah, blah, blah.” But she can be fun outside of the gym and has a Disney pass. And this is my way to slip in some cardio into the poor woman’s life. I keep it at a brisk pace walking between rides.
The point is, I want people to understand that I don’t live a weird life of deprivation. I love to eat! Like at Disneyland, where that lazy client and I split a bottle of wine and appetizers in Napa at California Adventure (The Shadow notes that she ate most of the food. Just saying), and I wanted to order an ice cream but, imagine my surprise when my client actually said she was on a diet! Diet? Wow. I’ve been trying to get that bitch to eat right for five years and the night I want to splurge she’s on a diet? Whatever. I ordered my ice cream, a large soft swirl dipped in chocolate (Despite the diet, the Shadow ate most of that, too). And later, exiting the park, I even bought another large ice cream cone! (Probably because the Shadow ate most of the first one ... and yes, finished off the second. I have come to realize my trainer is a bit of feeder. It’s the German in her). I ate so much, I woke up in the middle of the night with an ice cream stomach ache! (The Shadow did not have a stomach ache. Apparently, like the participants in the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest, the Shadow has built up a tolerance).
So maybe I overdid it a bit. That’s okay. That’s the point I’m trying to make here. Life doesn’t have to be so buttoned down. Just drink your water and eat protein and do your cardio, even on splurge days--that’s the Skinny Bitch way!
Skinny Bitch No. 2.
Sunday is my straight tequila day. I have my coffee, which is super fattening because I put cream in it and top it off with whipped cream (Shadow here. That’s less than 100 calories for breakfast. On a Sunday. I mean, where’s the bacon?) At noon I take my first shot of tequila, put on super tight jeans, high heels and a tank top. I saddle up on my husband’s Harley and we go to our local biker bar (Shadow again. Let it be known that I do not have boring friends).
This weekend was special because my favorite band was playing. It’s always baking hot, and I take another shot of tequila before I go in. I get another shot at the bar and start dancing. I plan to dance for the next seven hours. I am going to dance and I am going to drink tequila because this is my splurge day. Because I love this band so much and because I’m pretty buzzy, I go right up to the front of the stage and start dancing and singing along with the lead singer. It’s early so there’s not a lot of people on the dance floor, but I don’t care. I’m having a fabulous time. But then this really cute older woman comes up and whispers in my ear, “Could you pick another one?” When I turn to her, confused, she says, “Just pick another one. Because that’s my best friend’s husband. Could you pick him?” She points to the guitar player.
Well, I am mortified! I do my own pointing--to the big-ass diamond on my wedding finger and explain that I am happily married and I don’t need to pick anyone. I also point to my super hot husband who bought the big-ass diamond (Shadow confirms that her husband is super hot, and that indeed, she wears a blindingly large diamond on that Skinny Bitch finger). My darling hubby looks up long enough from his iPhone to wave back and snap a pic. But I don’t want to cause trouble, so I leave the dance floor.
You can’t imagine what happened next! Five minutes later, this same cute older woman comes over to where I am sitting and says, “I’m sorry, but could you go back to dancing? The lead singer is really mad at me now because, well, it’s pretty dead out there without you.” (The Shadow understands that bands do not appreciate it when super hot women stop dancing to their music). “I never should have said anything but it’s just that you’re so hot, I was worried for my friend.” (The Shadow reiterates that she has extremely attractive friends.)
Well, after the cute older woman and I had our little bonding moment, we ended up dancing together! Can you imagine? And okay, she made a bit of a move on me, but, again, I pointed to the big-ass diamond. (The Shadow made that last part up).
I dance so much that I forget to eat. I’m not even hungry. So my friends force me to eat. I end up gorging myself on onion rings (The Shadow understands this means she ate 4 onion rings. Skinny Bitch confirms the number but says that they were 4 really large onion rings).
I toss back one more shot of tequila, close down the bar, put on my leathers and ride on home into the sunset with my husband, the hot one who bought me the big-ass diamond.
Tequila and onion rings! Woohoo!
So, dear reader, it all appears to be a matter of perspective. If I analyze the amount of calories consumed and expended, I fear that our Skinny Bitches Day Off is actually not all that different from the days spent toiling to keep hot bodies, well, hot. The splurge becomes the choices made on those special days of indulgence that allow the forbidden fruit of ice cream and onion rings. But the point remains: it ain’t easy being a Skinny Bitch.
This is my year of change. I hope you join me.
Please feel free to comment below.
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