First, a word about our stalwart examples of how-I-wish-to-be. Both are extremely attractive with bubbly personalities. Neither seems inclined toward melancholy or other issues that seem to haunt my tortured artist soul (Side note: Perhaps there is something to those endorphins and exercise. I always thought that was a scam perpetuated by the fitness industry). They are both super passionate people. One is a mother, one is not. One is single, one is married. One is blonde, one is brunette (not sure the relevance of that, except that I’m a redhead so maybe we should do hair product commercials together). They are both younger by a good 10-15 years. But, wait! Fifty is the new forty, you say. I fit right in! Only ... doesn’t that means forty is the new thirty, so they are still pretty much younger by a decade, even in illusory math. Damn.
Welcome to Mars! I have two tours set up for your enjoyment. Sit back and learn!
Tour One: Super MILF
6:00 am: I wake up and dive into my coffee pot. I splurge by adding half and half and a dollop of whip cream, but I use Truvia instead of sugar, a recent addition to my regime.
6:30: I record Good Morning America to watch after I check my email and read a couple of the self-help articles from my inbox. (Shadow here. This is, of course, my neighbor, the one with the house chock-full of those books, all tastefully displayed--she’s kind of an interior deco freak--books on meditation and learning to love yourself and the power of positive thinking. The fact that I actually get tired just reading the titles says a lot about my journey--but I do a lot of therapy, so giving myself props for that).
7:30: I eat breakfast. 1 salmon burger with a cup of quinoa and kale, 1 cup of Greek nonfat vanilla yogurt with a teaspoon of psyllium husks. (The Shadow notes it’s time to up the fiber). I input breakfast into my Lose It! app, which charts protein, carbs, and fat. Breakfast falls into the perfect balance of 40% protein, 30% carbs, and 30% fat (The Shadow thinks this app looks like something a rocket scientist might be comfortable reading. The Shadow knows a lot about rocket scientists because she happens to be married to one. And she’s also a bit of a technophobe).
8:00: I do laundry and other work around the house, then lay out poolside for an hour. (The Shadow knows she can pretty much do this year-round because it’s Southern California. Don’t be hatin’ rest of the country).
12:00 pm: I eat lunch: a Honeycrisp apple and a protein drink, then go to a friend’s house to help her pick out curtains (That would be me, the Shadow, who is remodeling and is happy to take advantage of the fact that her neighbor is a genius with interior decoration. And she’s free).
2:00: I pick up my daughter from school and help her with applications for college (The Shadow notes that those college apps are a bitch and that she’s very happy to be past this particular stage of motherhood--and that one application from a certain Ivy League school misused the word “which” while asking applicants to write their essay, which made the Shadow feel kinda superior. See how I did that?).
3:00: I go to the gym. I start with 5 minutes walking on the treadmill or warming up on the stairmaster, then do free weights and/or cables (The Shadow does not know what cables are, but they sound really intimidating), along with squats, jumping squats and lunges, for 30 minutes. (The Shadow notes her neighbor has a really great ass). I work out until I am red-faced and sweating, losing my breath and have an elevated heart rate (The Shadow wonders if she is describing an impending heart attack). I finish with 10 minutes of stretching.
4:00: I have a snack of 2 oz. of chicken, a 1/3 of a cup of black beans, and a slice of jalapeño yogurt cheese before running errands (The Shadow is happy that there is finally more food).
5:00: I go over to a neighbor's for wine, 8 oz (This is where The Shadow happily participates, plus she likes that her neighbor is into the generous pour. That’s how we roll.)
6:00: I make dinner, usually 2 oz. of chicken (Again with the 2 oz? The Shadow notes this does not sound like very much), 1/2 cup of beans, and another slice of cheese, making sure that my Lose It! app shows I am still in the desirable ratio of 40/30/30. I eat dinner with the family, shower, and watch television before going to bed.
Tour Two: Could Be the Template for Marvel Comic Book Heroine.
4:00 am: I shower and begin drinking the first of six bottles, a liter each, of Smart Water, which I will finish drinking throughout the day. I take my SeroVital tablet and head to work. I pick up a Venti chai tea latte, no foam, 8 pumps of chai, soy milk. I start training clients at 5:00 but don't drink the Venti until 6:00 because I must take the SeroVital on an empty stomach (Shadow here again. I will be looking into this supplement for reasons that become obvious later in this little journey).
11:00: I train a particularly difficult client who bitches and moans like some pansy-assed slacker (Yes, you’ve guessed it. I, The Shadow, am this pansy-assed slacker, although my trainer never actually calls me that, she’s much too positive and up-beat--but I can read it in those piercing blue eyes. Weak!). I, again, counsel on the benefits of cardio and feel ignored by this pussy of a client. God knows why I keep training this dead weight (Again, she never actually says these things out loud. It's the eyes talking. But The Shadow knows that my trainer still loves me).
2:00 pm: I do an hour of cardio on the stairmaster, or until I reach 800 calories burned (The Shadow notes that her trainer has a really great ass).
3:00: I go home and walk my dog. I do some light housecleaning and laundry, and eat lunch: 6 egg whites from hardboiled eggs and a carb (The Shadow would like to add that the “carb” is usually potato chips. Yes, potato chips! Albeit she only eats a handful. If we have lunch together, I usually finish the bag for her.) I shower and run errands. I stop by that pansy-assed client's house to help her pick out club chairs for her husband’s new study (The Shadow is lucky to have yet another woman in my life who is freakishly good at interior decor. She cautions me against the dangers of faux leather).
5:00: I return to the gym for my afternoon clients. By now I have drunk at least 4 of the 6 liters of water, 2 with fizzy tabs from Arbonne that have natural caffeine (The Shadow has tried these pill. They are the bomb! Picture Lorraine Bracco prancing alongside Sean Connery through the Amazon jungle in Medicine Man on her natural caffeine high! But then I had to go on blood pressure meds and had to lay off. Hmm. I really liked those pills...)
6:00: I meet up with my boyfriend and we workout 2 body parts for 40 minutes (The Shadow has met the BF. He, too, looks like an action figure. In fact, I’m pretty sure I heard her call him "my little action figure." He is not little.)
7:00: I return home and shower, then eat dinner with my boyfriend. I drink the last of my water bottles. I eat only protein: 2 turkey and swiss rolls, no bread (Again, The Shadow is noticing the paucity of food. Maybe she should have finished off that bag of chips instead of eating only a handful. Honestly, how is this woman still standing? Oh, yeah, all that natural caffeine...). Then my boy friend and I enjoy an after-dinner drink, two shots of either tequila or vodka for me, Goldschläger for him (The Shadow had to look this up. Goldschläger is a Swiss cinnamon schnapps with gold flakes floating in it. Sounds like a very fancy and expensive Fireball, but what do I know? I only drink Chard). We have sex for a couple of hours, after which I shower again (The Shadow notes that her trainer is extremely clean ... and is refraining from commenting on 2 hours of sex). We watch television in bed and fall asleep around 11:00 or midnight. If he spends the night, we have sex in the morning, a quickie. I call it our “snack” (What the hell is in that SeroVital? Or does this speak to the benefits of endorphins? I bet that other Skinny Bitch is having just as much sex!)
And there you have it, two paths that lead to the same place: IHH--Intense Hotness and Health. Here is the simple pattern I perceived while shadowing my two Skinny Bitches.
- Eat for pleasure rarely.
- Have structure to your day.
- Exercise like a maniac--or at least 1 hour a day until you feel like you’re going to drop dead.
- Have a good eye for interior design.
This is my year of change. I hope you join me.
Please feel free to comment below.